We have asked women to share their bad memories of past partners so that you can avoid these mistakes
TOO HARD, TOO QUICK
” I knew more than one man who pressed too much with his fingers or his tongue during foreplay or who went too hard during the sexual act. It’s not that I do not like it from time to time, but it hurts if it does not start any more slowly, “says Jessica, 42, of Greenwich, Connecticut.
There is a scientific reason for this, says sexologist Megan Stubbs. Just as your own body needs warm up before lifting weights for example, your spouse’s body needs time to be excited, lubricated and relaxed.
For some women, the clitoris can also be extremely sensitive, she adds. The same goes for the inside of the vagina when it is not tarvos testo well prepared for penetration. Although some women may ask you to accelerate and increase the intensity when they are close to orgasm, others need more softness to reach it.
” A sure way of not getting me to orgasm is to constantly ask me to cum, ” says Jenna, 30, of Atlanta, Georgia. Put pressure on your partner to enjoy her embarrassment and has the result of cutting her desire. (In other words, she is as worried about her performance as you are).
” Nobody wants to feel pressure to enjoy. Many things come into play to reach orgasm, and anxiety is not part of it, “says Stubbs. Stubbs reminds men that the absence of immediate orgasm from their partner does not mean they are not good in bed. It takes longer for some women than for others. It is also possible that she does not feel confident enough with you at the moment to let herself go completely.
Make it easier for him not to focus only on orgasm but more on the pleasure you can give him during the foreplay or during the sexual act.
DO NOT USE ENOUGH (EVEN NONE) LUBRICANT
” There is a huge range of levels of lubrication that women create naturally, and they are all standard, psychotherapist for couples and families. Many women need non-natural lubricant support and men need to understand that it’s not their fault and that does not mean they can not excite their partner, “says Fran Walfish.
Choose water-based or silicone-based lubricants if you use a condom because they will not damage it, unlike oil-based lubricants. Do not hesitate to use a large amount of lubricant. Better too much, not enough. The more a woman is lubricated and the more you will enjoy the sexual act, it does not matter whether this lubrication comes naturally from her or from a bottle.
Putting you under the fire of the projectors
” I do not like when a partner talks about our sex life just before the act. “Do you want to try something? Is a good approach, but something like, “Are you fed up with what you do in bed? »,« Do you find her too small / big? “Do I do something wrong? “Is this your best shot? “, no. I find these questions ruin everything, ” says Stephanie (30) from Brooklyn.
There is no shame in wanting to know what your partner thinks . But to prevent this from breaking the mood, Dr. Kat Van Kirk, a certified sexologist, advises asking these questions at another time. The next day in front of a cafe for example, or in front of an intimate dinner during which you share your most intimate feelings. ” Just consider the atmosphere in which you would share things. It is not ideal to start a serious conversation that could make the situation uncomfortable once you are in bed with your partner or during the foreplay, “says Van Kirk.
DO NOT CLEAN ONCE YOU HAVE FINISHED
” I find it extremely disgusting when a man thinks there is no problem in throwing a used condom on the floor or not showering after love, even if we really put the mess, ” says Caitlynn, 28, in New Jersey.
Of course, we understand: you want to sleep after the act. But if you spend the night at home (or most of the evening), be hygienic and clean up behind you.
” Sex is a team work. The cleaning must be too. Everyone is responsible as a sexually intelligent adult. You have to throw the condoms and their packaging in the trash and not in the toilet, “says Stubbs (it’s disgusting if they end up in public sewage).
” Many men do not talk enough during love. They do not realize that grunts, moans and other verbal reactions can help them feel more connected to their partner and help their partner know what they like, “says Van Kirk.
Give some audible clues to your partner when you like something (a simple “it’s great” will do). It will show her what could do you more good and (more importantly) ask her what she thinks of this or that position and whether she wants you to go deeper, faster or (remember) no!) more gently, suggests Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, creator of the Sexual Pro Seris Webinars. (Example: “More? Faster? Lower?”).
Of course, if no words come to you with passion, a positive groan can help your partner understand that what she is doing makes you happy.
EXPECT THAT IT SHOWS YOU EXACTLY WHAT IT WANTS
Not all women will be able, or feel confident enough, to tell you exactly what they like in bed or not. Especially if they try to tell you in a subtle way and you do not understand the message .
Pay attention to your partner’s body language and what she says during sex acts, Walfish advises. And do not consider that every grunt is a grunt of pleasure.
For example, if her muscles stiffen, try to remove her hips from your hands, lips, or pelvis, or remove your hand from a certain part of her body, consider them. These are ways for her to tell you that she does not like it. On the other hand, if you feel your body relax or your hips and pelvis stick against you, catch you and pull you towards it, consider that it is a clue to make you understand that what you are doing works ( pretty good).
It is always advisable to check if you are not sure. (A simple “Do you like it?” Or “What do you think?” Will do the trick). Just be sure to accept a negative response and not to take it too personally (eg, “No, sorry, I do not like”, “I do not like it” or “you might try this way ? “).
” Be receptive and kind when you try to understand what she likes. It will be good for you because it will feel more and more confident and open up more to you, “Walfish advises. (Understand: she will love you much more).
HIDE YOUR USE OF PORNOGRAPHY
It may surprise you, but the pornographic content hidden under the term “TAXES” on your computer is not something you should hide from your partner’s eyes. Of course, you can enjoy going secretly watching pornographic videos, but according to Van Kirk, many women like it just as much as you do. ” Sharing porn content with a partner can boost your confidence, ” she says. Ask your girlfriend if she is curious, and if so, invite her to exchange your favorite videos. (It may be that she herself has good ones).
GO IN SOME HOLES WITHOUT ASKING
” One of my worst memories is when a man tried to put his finger in my ass while he was stimulating me with his fingers for the first time. He did not even ask me. He took the initiative himself , “recalls Crystal, 29, of Manhattan.
Men sometimes assume that anal sex is a pleasure for their partner because they like to be stimulated in this place, says Walfish. But even if some women like to be touched at this place, others hate it.
No matter what your partner’s preferences are, it’s important to ask them before trying, rather than discovering them later. If you lightly touch this area with a finger by accident and she spreads her hips away from you or her hand away, consider that she does not want and do not continue, otherwise she will not feel safety with you.
THINK THAT IT IS LIKE YOUR EX
No woman is the same as another. A huge mistake men make is to approach a new body as if it was the last one they had learned to give pleasure. (To know: if it can reassure you, the women make the same mistake!).
” Every new person is a new body to discover. That does not mean that you can not apply some old tricks to your new partner. But to think that she will react like your ex is not realistic, “says Stubbs.
To overcome this danger, O’Reilly reminds all partners to ” Ask for verbal feedback and physical cues during the sexual act .” It can also help talk about sex outside the room, she says: ” Talk about how often you want to do it and talk about your fantasies. It will help you to better understand the other .